


where did it all go

by shineshine



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Character Death, Fluff, Guns, Gunshot, Implied/Referenced Abuse, M/M, Oneshot, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:07:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28329477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shineshine/pseuds/shineshine
Summary: “Hyung,” His eyes were feeling droopy, he didn’t know whether it was the cold that’s making him tired or what. “Hyung, you know that I love you all right.” Juyeon slurred out.- where Juyeon thinks everything he once had with Hyunjae is pointless now.
Relationships: Lee Jaehyun | Hyunjae/Lee Juyeon
Kudos: 23





	where did it all go

**Author's Note:**

> tw // suicide, guns, abuse  
> as mentioned in tags !! this book contains suicide, guns and abuse. though NOT DETAILED, they are implied in it. if these things make you uncomfortable/uneasy, please do NOT force yourself to read it. 
> 
> —  
> if you are going through/facing anything like abuse or suicidal thoughts, please let someone who you’re comfortable with know. if u’d like you can always talk to me too, though i am no expert I can help distract you from those thoughts.
> 
> —  
> i didnt mean to write something like this but after watching the first few eps of skycastle i got inspired by that scene.

He didn’t plan for this to happen. The white surrounding him brought back haunting memories that used to be beautiful to him. This was where it all started. 

The little snowflakes were falling, decorating everything in sight but Juyeon couldn’t seem to find any joy in it. It’s funny isn’t it? How a snowflake, something so small, would just randomly fall and people would go crazy about it. That used to be them, he remembered.

_ “Juyeon-ah! Look! It’s snowing, come on!” Hyunjae had shouted. He pulled him up before staring at the dark sky.  _

_ Maybe it wasn’t the wisest idea to have their  _ **_first_ ** _ date during the winter night with only several heating pads but the look on Hyunjae’s face the moment it started snowing was enough to warm him up. Their hands were still linked but all he could focus on was the stars in the older’s eyes. How it would twinkle, how when he scrunched his nose his eyes would beam. _

_ It wasn’t long before he tore his gaze away from the older and followed his movements by looking up. The small little snowflakes, slowly falling down, acted as a cameo for what Juyeon had wanted to do.  _

_ He remembered the numerous times where he had spent hours and days with Hyunjae, the feelings inside him slowly growing. Of course it was bound to happen. Everyone close to Hyunjae would’ve had a crush on him before at least once. It’s not new news but Juyeon wasn’t prepared to fall head over heels for him. _

_ “Hyung,” Juyeon started as he continued to stare at the snowflakes. He heard a quiet hum beside him before continuing. _

_ “I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I think now is the perfect time to tell you.” His hands felt sweaty but he didn’t want to pull away, in case it would be his last time. _

_ “What is it Juyeon? You can tell hyung anything and hyung will always be there.” Hyunjae sent a smile at the younger but eyes were still distracted. _

_ “Could you look at me while I tell you?” He had asked, looking down back at the older. Although Juyeon was younger, he was slightly taller which meant he had to look down slightly to meet the older’s eyes. _

_ The older did as told and stared into his eyes, the beautiful smile still present. Juyeon could feel his heart beating faster and wondered if he could ever do it. It was silent around them for a moment, until a snowflake fell onto Hyunjae’s nose. _

_ The older’s eyes followed the snowflake until it landed before squealing. The pure look of enjoyment showering his features made Juyeon’s heart clench. He was being too cute for his heart.  _

_ “Hurry! Take a picture!” And who is Juyeon to not comply to Hyunjae’s wishes? So of course he whipped out his phone before taking pictures of Hyunjae and the snowflakes.  _

_ “How do I look? Do I look cute?” The twinkle in his eyes never stopped and Juyeon found it hard to breathe suddenly. Not trusting his voice, he nodded his head before slipping his phone back to his pocket. _

_ “Hyung, I still haven’t told you what I wanted to say.” Juyeon reminded him, hands slightly clenching. _

_ “Go ahead Juyeon-ah.” Juyeon thinks even if the cold would freeze him, having Hyunjae with him is enough to warm him up. _

_ “The past few years we’ve known each other, you were always there for me. You’ve helped me a lot during college and was always encouraging me with my dance and I am so so grateful and thankful for you.” He started, nervousness showing on his features. Hyunjae nodded, encouraging him to continue while smiling. _

_ “Whenever I was down or going through a hard time, you’d always be there for me. You’re always cheering me up on days where I’d felt like I’ve failed and always giving me reasons to never give up on dancing.”  _

_ “I don’t know when it started. Did I fall for your looks the moment we met? I don’t think so. But the more we talked and the more I knew and understood about you, it felt like I was already down the rabbit hole. I grew attached to your personality and you as a person, it wasn’t your looks that got me first.” Finally, Juyeon was confessing to Hyunjae after 2 years of having a crush on said man. _

_ “I just wanted to say, I like you hyung. I’ve been liking you since 2 years ago when you showed up to one of my performances that no one I invited did.” The air around them grew thick as he allowed those words to leave his mouth. Snowflakes were falling faster and harder but they stood still. _

_ No one said anything for a few minutes - busy admiring the eyes of one another before Hyunjae decided to break it. Eyes smiling as his lips smiled wider. _

_ “I’ve been waiting to hear that for the past 2 years Juyeon-ah. I’m surprised you didn’t catch on to any of the hints I left you.” The older had giggled.  _ **_giggled_ ** _. Juyeon could feel his cheeks getting hot but thank god for the cold, his cheeks were already pink. _

_ “Our friends even noticed it, teased me about it. I knew you had a crush on me and I was making it obvious that I had one on you as well but I guess it wasn’t obvious enough.” Hyunjae continued smiling at him, like he was the most precious thing in the world. _

_ “I did things with you that normal friends wouldn’t have done together Juyeon-ah.” Said man felt embarrassed at not noticing these hints which made Hyunjae let out a loud laugh, the laugh that Juyeon loved hearing. _

_ They continued getting lost in one another’s eyes, studying the galaxies in them. The smiles on both faces were sweet, innocent. The distance between them seemed to have gotten smaller as time passed. _

_ “Apparently, if you kiss under the first snowfall, you’re relationship will last a lifetime.” Juyeon had brought it up, smile turning to a teasing one. The older let out another giggle before swinging his arms around Juyeon’s neck. _

_ “Why don’t we test that theory out hmm? Let’s see if we’ll last a lifetime baby.” Hyunjae teased back, pouting slightly, knowing Juyeon would do anything he asked. _

_ So Juyeon did. He placed his awkward arms around Hyunjae’s waist before distance was no longer a thing between them. Their lips were only centimetres apart before soft lips were against slight chapped lips. Eyes closed as the feeling felt like a dream, a dream he didn’t wish to wake up from. _

_ Juyeon’s arms only tightened as he felt a smile on the older’s face. It was such an innocent kiss as Juyeon had never kissed before but with Hyunjae, it felt like he’d been doing this for quite some time. _

_ They pulled apart, slightly breathless but now smiling wide at each other. That was before Hyunjae ducked down to collect the snow that had covered their things and made a snowball. He stood up before walking backwards, leaving a confused Juyeon in the middle.  _

_ So he decided to be a little devil and threw the snowball at the confused male, hitting him straight in the face. Juyeon was surprised at the sudden hit before smirking. _

_ “Game on hyung.” He ducked down and made a couple of snowballs before throwing them towards to Hyunjae. _

Where did all these happy memories go? Why were they given limited time to happiness? Were they not supposed to last? These thoughts haunt him every time he thinks of those doe eyes Hyunjae has and pouty lips. 

His phone was buzzing, it had been since two hours ago. He knew who it was, knew it by heart that it was only him who would call.  _ Hyunjae _ . He shook his head, eyes getting wetter the more he thought about the older and everything they had shared.

The cold air around him wasn’t helping. Was it foolish of him to only wear a thin sweater out to the snowing lake? Yes but it didn’t matter because in the end, he’ll still be cold. Why not give it a head start, Juyeon had thought. 

As he continued to stare at the snow around him, a thick layer was already forming, his hands were reaching towards his phone. He knew he shouldn’t - knew it’ll only hurt him more if he did. But he couldn’t help it, even if he was ready to do it, he’d rather see what people still had to say to him. 

The iPhone 11Pro that Hyunjae had gifted him for his birthday this year looked tiny in comparison to his hands. His lockscreen was something that would always cheer him up but looking at it now, an unsettling feeling was brewing deep in his stomach. It felt wrong. The picture of Hyunjae and a snowflake on his nose stared back at him with multiple missed calls and text messages over it. 

Most of the missed calls were from Hyunjae, some from their other close friends but majority was Hyunjae. Juyeon let out a chuckle as he read the messages from his lover. Countless of texts asking where he was, telling him not to do something he’d regret, to come home but was it really home to Juyeon though?

They said home was where you’d feel safe and loved but he hadn’t been feeling those instead, bruises and cuts painted his once perfect body. He’d say that it wasn’t Hyunjae’s fault, that it was his, but he knew he was just lying to himself. 

Juyeon continued reading the messages from his friends but they were all the same - telling him to come home, to not do something he’d regret. But would he actually regret doing this? Would he? 

He threw his phone on top of the thick layer of snow forming before looking down, hands grazing his bumpy wrist. Tears were falling at this point - he felt hopeless. His friends were there but not at the same time and it made him feel even frustrated. 

The last memory he had of Hyunjae was something he’d rather not want to go through again. No one deserves the treatment Juyeon received. It was his breaking point, their last argument. 

_ “Hyung, where have you been?” Juyeon asked as he saw the older enter their shared apartment. The male was sitting in the living room, dressed in a thin sweater and sweatpants, watching a Christmas movie.  _

_ “It’s none of your business Juyeon. Stick out of it.” Hyunjae had snapped leaving a shocked Juyeon behind as he trudged towards their bedroom. The living room felt cold even though the heater was on. The faint smell of alcohol ever so present from the other male. _

Ah, he’s drunk.

_ Juyeon knew what had happened at work which caused him to be in such a foul mood thanks to Kevin, their close friend. Somehow, Hyunjae was deranked from his head manager position and got into a huge fight with the boss. He had stormed out after that and no one knew where he went until now.  _

_ “Hyung.” Juyeon called out softly, knocking on the bedroom door before pushing it open. He shouldn’t have done that, shouldn’t have looked after Hyunjae.  _

_ “Shut up Juyeon. I don’t want to fucking talk.” The anger in his voice was evident but Juyeon never listened (when he should’ve).  _

_ “Hyung please. I’m here, you can tal-” Before Juyeon could even finish, a hard slap was what he received. It wasn’t his first time, no but the pain never leaves. He could feel his cheek pulsing as he reached up to cover it. _

_ “How many fucking times must I tell you? Shut the fuck up. I don’t want to talk to you so why can’t you fucking listen? Are you that dumb? God why are we even together, you good for nothing shit.” He tried not to show how hurt he was but always failed. It hurts most when someone you love treats you like nothing.  _

_ Juyeon looked at the fuming male, feeling something snapped in him before he fought back. _

_ “Why are you always doing this? We were doing so good when we started dating so where did it all go wrong? When did you change?!” He had yelled, chest panting as he was breathing hard.  _

_ “What did you just say?” The look on Hyunjae’s face was terrifying as they stared into each other’s face. _

_ “I said,” Juyeon took a deep breath. “When did it all go wrong, when did you change huh? Everything was so smooth until a few months ago so why? Did you meet a new toy? Is that why you’re treating me like I don’t exist? Like I’m a punching bag.”  _

_ “Are you saying that I’m cheating on you? What the fuck Juyeon. Get it through your thick skull. The world doesn’t revolve around you only. So what if I had fell out of love with you, what if I enjoy making you suffer? It’s not like you’d dare to tell anyone.” Hyunjae snarled with every sentence as he stalked towards his prey, Juyeon.  _

_ “People like you are so annoying, God, so worthless. Do you think dance is going to get you anywhere? You should’ve listened to your parents but I suppose someone so dumb like you wouldn’t even get far.” He snorted into the younger’s face and Juyeon could feel the tears and bile rising up. _

_ “Just go kill yourself you idiot. Good for nothing.” He knew Hyunjae didn’t really mean that. Sure they’ve fought and Juyeon’s always on the receiving end but Hyunjae had never said those to him then. _

_ But everything had an expiration date including humans, Juyeon thought. The moment Hyunjae had left the house, Juyeon packed a bag full of necessities before taking one last look at their apartment. All of their happy and haunting memories jumbled up in these four walls.  _

It was a surprise really. He never expected it to be this easy. Fingertips barely touching the revolver as the black object laid strikingly on top of the white. He had stumbled across a firearm shop after leaving the apartment before renting it. The guy working didn’t question him as he looked  **_bad_ ** , just doing what he was supposed to do. 

He didn’t really have a plan but his feet had brought him to where he was now. The whole incident took place maybe 5 hours ago and it was close to freezing point for Juyeon. The last time he checked the time it was maybe around 2 in the morning,  _ ah Merry Christmas.  _

The tears never seem to have a break especially when memories of him and Hyunjae keep resurfacing. He was weighing his choices, had been the last hour, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. That was until he received another phone call from Hyunae, only this time it was a facetime.

“Juyeon-ah,” He could hear the panic in the older’s voice. “Juyeon-ah, tell hyung where you are please. You know I didn’t mean that right?” He had asked, hope in his voice but Juyeon couldn’t even say anything.

“Juyeon-ah please.” He heard the sob but didn’t do anything but stare at the screen. Seeing as how the background was similar to their apartment, he concluded that Hyunjae was back there. 

“Hyung.” He had whispered, blue chapped lips moving ever so slightly but it seemed like Hyunjae missed it.

“Hyung.” He had repeated, louder this time.

“Y-yes Juyeon. I’m here. Please tell me where you are, we’re all so worried.” Hyunjae seemed to have stopped the moment he heard Juyeon.

“Hyung,” His eyes were feeling droopy, he didn’t know whether it was the cold that’s making him tired or what. “Hyung, you know that I love you all right.” Juyeon slurred out.

“Yes yes, we know Juyeon-ah. That’s why you need to tell us where you are, so we can come get you.” Hyunjae’s eyes were darting everywhere, probably trying to scan the area Juyeon didn’t know. 

“Shh, hyung.” Juyeon had smiled, face nearly whtie as he swayed slightly. 

“You know,” He started as he maintained eye contact with Hyunjae. “The past years with you were amazing. You were always making me happy and content with life.” 

“Do you remember the first time we kissed hyung? It was at this very spot.” The dam finally collapsed as he cried out.

“Our first date, first kiss, everything! Did you even enjoy the times we had spent together? What happened to a lifetime? What did I do wrong? Why did everything go downhill?” Questions kept spilling but Hyunjae couldn’t answer. It felt like death was already at his doorstep. 

“People always say that everything, everyone has a breaking point.” He choked out, tears getting caught.

“I’ve enjoyed all of our memories hyung, I really did. When we went camping that one time but it started to rain and we didn’t have an umbrella.” Juyeon had chuckled but Hyunjae couldn’t find anything funny about it.

“The time where you tried driving but failed and drove up the curb.” That was a funny time for both males and Hyunjae remembered it so vividly. The pure look of shock and fear decorating the younger’s face made him laughed nonstop.

“Or the time where you said you’ll never leave me. You’ll never make me sad and then proceeded to fuck my brains out.” Juyeon laughed, the promises his lover once made were all empty promises.

“Juyeon ah, please. Please just tell me where you are.” Hyunjae, stressed out on finding his location, basically shouted. 

“It was where everything started 2 years ago hyung.” He could see the light in Hyunjae’s eyes the moment he revealed his location. The older rushed to get everything needed but was stopped by male over the phone.

“Hyung, there’s no need to come,” Tears kept falling and it surprised Juyeon how he could still talk without stuttering.

“I really love you hyung, I do. But these days, I think I must’ve loved you too hard till you got bored of me.” Hyunjae’s body stilled overall, hands resting on the doorknob.

He could see something similar to a gun through the screen as Juyeon lifted his other hand. Mouth agape and a quiet gasp escaped. Hyunjae would’ve never thought he’d see a gun, ever, in his palms.

“Juyeon ah, put the gun down hm? Hyung’s on his way. We can talk about this when you’re warmed up and comfo-“ Hyunjae got cut off by a loud snicker.

“I’m sorry hyung. Tell the others I love them, I love you. Never forget.” The last smile he had sent Hyunjae was something so full of sorrow and it made his stomach curl.

“Merry Christmas, hyung. Goodbye.” As the last teardrop fell, a loud shot echoed through his speakers.

Juyeon had the gun below his chin before he pulled it, ending his misery once and for all. That smile, that smile that would probably haunt Hyunjae for life, was still present. The once bright eyes now covered by a dull layer of brown - the life in it was gone. 

Like the love he had towards Hyunjae as he pulled the trigger. 

**Author's Note:**

> like i said !! u can always talk to me if you want/need to. it can be on twt or cc <3 if u’ve enjoyed it pls leave a kudos or comments or even bookmark it mwahs <3
> 
> twt - juyeonlvs  
> cc - juyeonlvs


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